New Age Bullshit Generator

Namaste. Do you want to sell a New Age product and/or service? Tired of coming up with meaningless copy for your starry-eyed customers? Want to join the ranks of bestselling self-help authors? We can help.

Just click and the truth will manifest

Click the Reionize electrons button at the top of the page to generate a full page of New Age poppycock.

The inspiration for this idea came from watching philosophy debates with celebrity New Agers.

After sitting through hours of New Age rhetoric, I decided to have a crack at writing code to generate it automatically and speed things up a bit. I cobbled together a list of New Age buzzwords and cliché sentence patterns and this is the result.

You’ll get some profound-sounding nonsense here, too.

So, what is this for? Put it on your website as placeholder text. Print it out as a speech for your next affirmation circle and see if anyone can guess a computer wrote it. Use it to write the hottest new bestseller in the self-help section, or generate marketing copy for a new line of cheesecloth tunics or zero-point energy wands!

Looking for the comments?

There used to be a Disqus comment section here, until I discovered that their software is a cesspit of third-party tracking scripts, and I respect your privacy more than that, so I got rid of it.

The comments had been up since 2014, and like any public comment section, most of them were garbage — but here are a few favourites:

I feel so...growthy!

Rebekkah H

I got this, 'Throughout history, humans have been interacting with the world via molecular structures', which sounds about right to me. I thought this was meant to be BS.

Eden

Holy crap.. This has to be where those infomercials get their material. I feel like i'm about to buy a lifetime supply of herbal shampoo.

Talavar

This is pure gold. As a recovered New ager, I couldn't be more thrilled to know I'm not the only one who used to wonder "What the hell are they talking about" ...

T.K. Lyte

You and I are warriors of the cosmic soup. *slowly slides on Roman helm*

Ryan

i love all these Einstein quotes!

Deborah C

Almost none of these even remotely make sense. Whoever made this has literally zero understanding of the "new age" philosophies.

Collin A

gets rather repetitive after a few goes. same basic patterns

Brian L

"None of it makes any sense"
That's kind of the point, Lewis.

Michael, responding to Lewis

I'm glad this page is still here. It's very cathartic.

Azalea J

What a load of horseshit

MFF

There were the occasional commenters, both positive and negative, who thought that the generator was created to poke fun at New Agey people, or even spirituality in general. That's not the case at all.

The reason I made it was to demonstrate how easy it is to fool our brains with this fact-free, emotionally-charged language that tries to bypass our rational thinking. My hope was to encourage more skepticism of this kind of discourse, and of the many charlatans who use it to pervert the human desire for transcendence and take advantage of vulnerable people for personal gain.

— Seb

December 2022